Chapter 1: OFSTED Really Need to Get Their Shit Together
“Oh, THAT school again.” I say to my co-worker.
“Yup, that one.” She says.
“Fuck everything.” I say.
Welcome to OFSTED. The organisation that makes sure Britain’s schools are top notch. We give scores to the school depending on how good it appears when we get there. And we also ask the students a bunch of shitty questions. No, seriously, that’s all we do.
Anyhow, I guess I should introduce myself. My name is Stacy.
My co-worker is Gracie. We all just call her GG.
The school in question is known as ‘Peacock Pothouse School’ The name comes from the fact that they used to breed peacocks there and it is known for the fine pottery the students produce. Hell, there’s even a white peacock next to two vases on the uniform. I don’t know why it’s white though, they never bred white ones.
The school has fallen extremely badly in recent years, and it’s up to us to correct that.
Sipping my cup of coffee, I mentally prepare myself to enter that shithole again. I remember last time. The emo and Goth kids all attacked everyone, hell, we had to get the police involved.
But there is one kid there who makes it so absolutely nobody wants to go to that school.
Josh the Emo. Year 10 (15 years old).
He appears to be the leader of the posse of emo and Goth kids. However, nobody seems to even want to interact with him. It’s strange really. But the weirdest thing is that whenever someone goes near him, he will proceed to ‘caw’ in a high pitched tone at them. Is he bird kin or something stupid like that? Probably.
We drive to the school in question. Mentally preparing ourselves for what is to come…
Chapter 2: Josh The Emo
Once we arrive, we realise that the school looks even worse than it did before. More graffiti has been scribbled all over the walls, and it looks like it hasn’t been used in years.
GG starts to giggle.
“What’s so funny? Can you not see that this school is clearly in need of improvement?”
“It says your mum likes pink dildo!” I don’t see how anyone could even think about laughing at something so immature. It really tests my patience.
After a long time of this, we enter the building.
The inside looks intact. OK, It still looks pretty shit, but what can you really expect from a school like this one?
We start to go around the classrooms and ask some students questions in the middle of their lessons. Some of the more popular answers (if you could even call them that) to our questions were:
“Are you a paedophile?”
“Please could you kindly fuck off?”
“BURN IN HELL YOU FUCKING FAGGOTS!” or, my favourite:
“I can get my dad to fuck your face up and sex your dead body until you’re bleeding from every place in your prostitute body.” That came from an eleven year old.
But, we eventually stumbled across Josh the Emo’s classroom. Neither of us wanted to enter.
We enter hell’s gates and Josh gets up from his chair and starts to chant something.
“MI PEACOCK MIGHTY MAWR! MI YN HANU! YR WYF YN YR ARGLWYDD WIR AC ACHUBOL O DYWYLLWCH! LLADD HOLL BODAU DYNOL!”
We all simultaneously say ‘What the fuck?’ all at the same time.
He chants this about ten times.
He starts to glow. Like he was evolving into a Pokémon.
All of a sudden, the glow fades, and a white peacock with emo hair comes out from the mist.
“I TOLD YOU ALL THAT IT WASN’T A PHASE! IT’S WHO I REALLY AM!”
Everyone ignores him, and begins to chant:
“LET ME SEE YOUR PEACOCK, COCK, YOUR PEACOCK, COCK!”
“OMFG GUYS STOP! STOP SHAMING ME FOR WHO I AM!” He says, as he uses his telekinetic powers to throw a crate across the classroom.
Everyone stops. We’re all silent.
“BIRDEMIC 2 IS OVERRATED!” I hear a kid in the corner of the classroom shout.
“THAT’S IT!” Josh shouts as he makes the kid that said that’s head explode. Just before it happens though, he shouts:
“That was so fucking worth it.” His head explodes into tiny pieces, and blood is splattered all over the walls. It looked like someone was on a very heavy period and had gone on a rampage.
“I FUCKING HATE YOU ALL!” Josh says as he runs out of the room.
Me and GG had to do something, as it was seemingly us who caused this mess.
We chased after him in hot pursuit.
Chapter 3: Katie
As me and GG are running trying to catch Josh the Emo (Peacock/Shapeshifter?) We hear a voice from down the corridor.
“Raise your dongers! He’s turned on!” Is this who I think it is?
We see someone running towards us at about 5 miles per hour. And... It is who I think it is.
“Katie, what the actual fuck is going on?” GG asks her.
“Well, you two need to know this now that you’ve been exposed to it. Many kids are turning into magical animals and shit with psychic abilities and crap. OFSTED’s true purpose is to hunt these mutants down. This school is a hot spot for them unfortunately.” What the fuck was this? I didn’t sign up for this shit!
“Considering how sarcastic you actually are, I am assuming you’re joking, right?” I ask her.
“Nope.” Well fuck.
After the quiet and sarcastic asshole known as ‘Katie BAMF Hershey’ joins the team, we use the ‘Emo-dar’ to try to find Josh. It doesn’t work due to the fact that nearly every kid in this god damn school is an emo.
“Hey guys, look at this!” I say, as I pull the torch on the wall down, and the bookshelf slides to the left, revealing a secret passage.
“To the left, to the left!” GG shouts.
“GG shut the fuck up!” I whisper harshly to her.
We enter the dark passage.
“This place is darker than your mother’s fanny hole.” GG once again says.
“JESUS FUCKING CHRIST GG STFU!” I shout. Fuck.
The entrance closes behind us. It’s dark for a few seconds, but the old lights on the ceiling turn on.
We descend down the stairs and find an underground room.
The lights turn off again.
“THE COCKENING BEGINS!” Someone shouts from above. GG giggles and I and Katie roll our eyes. We look up to see Josh the Emo preparing to swoop down.
“But peacocks can’t fucking fly!” GG shouts. I mentally face palm.
“Telekinesis.” Everyone except GG shouts.
A rock is hurled at us. Time stops. The rock floats in mid air.
“Well that was frightfully fucking convenient.” Katie says.
All of a sudden, three weapons are dropped in front of us. A railgun, a very futuristic sword, and a rainbow coloured bat.
A voice is soon heard booming throughout the basement (or wherever the fuck we are).
“The weapon you choose will determine what power you have. That is all.” The voice echoes away.
“NO SHIT SHERLOCK!” We shout in unison.
I choose the sword, GG chooses the bat, and Katie chooses the gun.
Armour is applied to all of our bodies. GG looks fucking retarded, I look fucking retarded, and Katie looks fucking retarded. WE ALL LOOK FUCKING RETARDED! NONE OF THIS STUFF EVEN LOOKS LIKE ARMOUR! (Except for my helmet). Time unfreezes and the rock hits the ground barely missing us.
Noticing our change in attire, Josh says:
“Why do you look like you all just came back from a pride parade?” Before we can answer him, Katie shouts:
“GO, GO, OFSTED RANGERS!” And the battle begins.
Chapter 4: Weaboo FTW
We all nearly die as Josh the emo summons up a massive dinosaur. A massive dinosaur with an emo hair cut
“So you’re telling us that the creationists were right all along?” GG asks.
“No. Those guys disrespect who I really am more than you. This dinosaur is actually... CALVIN THE TRANSEXUAL EMO GOTH!
“Die cis scum.” Calvin roars a mighty roar as he fills the basement with his love. AKA laser beams from his crotch rocket. Which end up hitting all of us, but they don’t do jack.
“WTF?” I say.
“Check your fucking privilege, white cis scum!” Is Calvin here to represent the whole of Tumblr? But then, why is he killing us? We’re girls. He should only kill men!
“YOU MISOGYNISTIC BIGOT!” GG shouts. As she slams her bat down up on the top of Calvin’s head, nearly killing him.
Meanwhile, Josh is throwing massive chunks of the wall at us. So massive, I’m surprised the school hasn’t collapsed yet.
I swing my futuristic sword at Josh as Katie and GG take out Calvin. It turns out that when it hits something, it starts to play dubstep music. Right now it is playing Klaypex: Jump. And it’s doing a fuck-ton of damage as well.
Katie has a rail gun and it’s probably the most powerful weapon of all. It doesn’t do damage to the environment
around it for some unexplained reason.
Calvin falls to the ground.
“No! Calvin, we were in this together!” Josh screams as he rushes over to Calvin’s dying corpse.
“Should we just kill him now?” GG asks.
“No, let him have this.” Katie answers her.
Josh seems distraught about the fact that we just killed the only person he’s had an interaction with.
He starts to go Super Saiyan on us and evolves into a humanoid form with wings and a beak.
“AHHHHHHHHHHH!” He shouts as this happens.
All of a sudden, our weapons start to attach to our bodies.
“WHAT THE FUCK?! GET IT OFF ME!” I shout. I start to morph into an ice, robot, cat thing.
Katie is now an axolotl, and GG is now a pink fairy armadillo, but instead of pink, rainbow. Seriously, what the fuck is with all of the rainbows? I’m starting to think this whole story is leftist propaganda.
“Well shit.” The three of us say in unison. This battle is going to get hardcore. Like that porno tape I recently watched.
“GOD, STOP COPYING MY STYLE YOU POSERS!” Josh, now in his new form shouts. I use my robot wings to fly. This story is getting more Mary Suey by the second, I swear to shit…
I fire an ice beam from my mouth and aim it at Josh. It seems to somewhat damage him, but not much. “I’M THE DOUBLE G TO THE D-O!” GG shouts as she uses rainbow magic as a weapon. Seriously, this is getting out of hand now. Is this a story written by an eight year old, but made more dark and gritty by a fourteen year old girl with nothing better to do in life? The world may never know.
“SURPRISE MOTHERFUCKER!” Katie shouts as she fires a blast from her mouth.
These forms are shit. Well, except for the fact we can all fly now. Yaaaay.
The dubstep playing from the music player in my left wing is blaring out. Except it’s not playing dubstep, it’s shuffling through all the songs on my computer. Fuck. To make matters worse, it’s currently playing one of the most weabooest songs I have. Remote Control, sang by Glutamine. I’m insecure about my music tastes for fuck’s sake.
“Stacy. Your music taste is shit.” GG says to me. Katie is bobbing her head to the beat, but it seems to be making Josh want to die even more than he already does.
“GAAAAH!” He shouts as he faints. The light is blinding.
The last thing I say before everything fades is:
“My music taste just saved our asses.”