Read this first Minecraft AI Conspiracy
Last time we left off, it had been 20 years since the start of the zombie apocalypse meaning at this moment in
time, the year was 2035.
I was about to die due to lack of sweg. But Shrek saved me with his life giving powers. He is life after all. But then agen, you shud kno al dis if u were payin’ en e attenshun to my previous post. U fagit.
So anyway, once all of the zombies had a massive gang bang with each other, the bodies all spontaneously combusted. Among the dead were your mum, TriggerHurt, and Bill Nye.
How Bill Nye got to the UK from Amurica IDK.
Shrek, Herobrine and Steve all told me something just before I regained consciousness:
“Find Levi, he’s smexay.” I knew what my mission was. I knew he had to be in Germany somewhere. Oh shit, I don’t speak German.
Shrek, being the merciful and holy, omnipotent being he was, gave me the power of Google Translate. This would be extremely convenient. I could now understand anime without subtitles! HOLY SHIT THIS WAS REVOLUTIONARY! And I jazzed in mah pantz. Lol so funny ROFL.
I woke up and saw the words:
‘HELL 696’ Written using the zombie’s ashes. A pentagram was slowly being formed from the ashes and it started to glow. An helicoptoe waz formin’ from tehh ashe ketchups. Not just en e helicopte tho. It was the ROFL COPTER!
OMFG11111!!!!111! I could now quickscope people from the air! I hopped on it and flew to Germany.
On the ground in Germany, I could see… NAZI’S!!!!! Oh shit, time warpz. (Because dat’s scary rite?)
The Walking Dead theme started to play as I shot them all. I could have sworn one of them was my old German teacher… One of them may have even been… HITLAR! I KNEW A NAZI UPRISING WAS ABOUT TO FUCKING HAPPEN! BUT DID ANYONE LISTEN TO ME? NO THEY FUCKING DIDN’T.
I arrived at the cave Shrek showed me and landed the ROFL COPTER which I learnt how to drive in less than two seconds and heard loud clapping noises. Were they having a movie night in there?
“Oh Levi!” I heard a teen wail out.
“Ich bin dein Gott, du Hure!” I heard someone else say. Oh, so they were performing in front of people! That made sense.
“Ich muss gestehen, Ich mag deine Sauberkeit!” The teen said again. The performance was really loud, I could hear it from below the cave. It was going to take me ages to climb these stairs due to the fact I weigh about 33 stone. I stole all of the Dorito’s and MTN DERW and survived on that. A YouTube commenter said it would be a good idea, I wish I hadn’t listened…
I kept on hearing the moans until I was all the way up the stairs.
“Wer ist da?” The older one said.
“Shrek sagte mir, Sie zu finden.” I said. I looked inside the cave and saw white paint was splattered all over the
Aizen’s favourite colour is white. White has five letters. 5–1 = 4. There are three points on a triangle. Take the remaining number and there is one. One eye on the Illuminati pyramid.
“Illuminati bestätigt!” I say.
“Errm, haben wir auf dem falschen Fuß gekommen. Ich bin Levi, das ist Eren. Und ich war Shitlord_VII.” )BTW if any of these translations are inaccurate, email me at: 666Illuminati666Confirmed666Gaben666@gmail.com(
“Sprechen Sie Englisch?” I say.
“Yeah why didn’t you ask? It’s a good thing there was an English dub. Though I had to have the name on my passport changed in order for them to let me perform.” That helped move things along.
“So if I am correct you are Levi and you were Shitlord_VII?” I ask him
“Yes. Eren was TwilightFan69.” That explained the noises from earlier! “Now, we need to come on the ROFL COPTER, we are the chosen three who are supposed to defeat the Illuminati as commanded by thy lord Shrek.” We hop on the ROFL COPTER as I hobble down the steps at about half a mile an hour. At the ripe age of 33, I’m a lot less nimble than I used to be. I’m still taller than Levi though. We make it to the ROFL COPTER and we drive to Alaska. (Because that’s where Cephalopod Lodge is. According to WIKI Answers anyway. I still don’t trust it as much as I trust YouTube comments.)
Meanwhile at Illuminati HQ Alaska, something was about to occur…
“Sky, pass the fookin’ dognuts.” Pewds said.
“K Pewds.” Sky passes Dognuts covered in budder to Pewds. Pewds takes a bite out of it.
“Can I have some budder covered weed Sky?” Sky takes his dick out and covers the spare cannabis in the back in budder.
“There you go Snoopz.” Wait. Snoops was a good guy, why is he now evilz like Microshizzle? Find out after this next fucking pointless part.
Back at the ROFL COPTER…
“Can I ask you two something?” I say
“Sure, go ahead.” Levi says.
“How did you two come to the real world from the Anime world? I can understand how Madara did because that was still inside the cumpooter.”
“Well, a portal opened up and a Skeleton popped out, and then Anime characters popped out, and then a yellow triangle popped out and then…”
“ALRIGHT EREN, WE FUCKING GET IT.” I shout. I realise I shouldn’t have done as the ROFL COPTER crashes into the earth. We all somehow survive despite the fact we were about 1000 feet in the air. This must be Shrek, thank you ShrekKami-sama!
“Well fucking done shitty brats, you got my hair dirty.” Levi said. Eren carried some hair products with him which should have exploded upon impact with the earth, but Bill Nye is dead so science no longer matters. Eren tidies up Levi’s hair and clothing. Levi felt aLEVIated after this, and we went on our way to find alternative transport.
I had no idea where the actual fuck we were.
All of a sudden, a Shiba Inu is running toward us at frightening speed.
“DOGE!” I shout out.
“No I’m actually Bill Gates reincarnated into a dog.” HRY SHT! THIS WAS NOT EXPECTED WHATSOEVER! WHAT A FUCKING PLAT TWISHT!
“KILL THE MOTHER FUCKER!” Eren shouts before raising his sword. I stop him. Getting hyper pixelated bluud on our outfits is not a good idea, considering the fact that Levi would probably have another panic attack if his clothes got stained.
All of a sudden Roy Mustang appeared and said:
“I LOVE DOGS!” And started to sexually assault Bill Doge.
“CALM THE FOOK DOWN M9 YOU AINT JOE BLOODY HADFIELD!” I say before kicking Roy in the nuts.
“KRILL TEH MUTHAFOOKA!” Eren once again shouts out, this time no one objects. Roy’s head is decapitated and hyper animated blood flies everywhere.
“You literally saved my ass there, thanks. Even though you’re now fat as fuck and you killed me in my last life.” Bill said.
“But it was actually Madara who…”
“So, Billy…” I start to say not realising the deliberate typo I have made.
“THAT’S NOT MY NAME U DUM FAGIT SHITHEAD.” He rages. How the fuck can he even talk? He’s a fucking dog for fucks sake.
“Do you know any way we can get to Alaska?” Levi asked Bill.
“Actually yes I do.” He asks us to follow him, and we come to a clearing in the woods.
“Stand next to me.” We all do just that.
“TELEPORTATION YEAH!” Was that from fucking Sonic CD? Really? What if Sonic.exe was spawn? We’d all be fucked by the plushie that would end up next to us on the bad that would look at us all with kawaii desu eyes and say:
“GuRl U aLrAdY kNo I wAnNa FoOk U…” Seductively in our ears and proceed to do just that.
We were teleported outside a green pyramid. On the top hyper blocky blood was dripping down. I was presuming that was where the virgins were sacrificed.
We wenet into the pyramid and were met with an horrific sight.
Pewds, Mutahar, Sky and SNOOP!?!?!/1!?!?!?!?1!?1?!?1/!?1 WTF IS THIS!? IS AIZEN USING HIS BANKAI AGAIN THAT BITCH ASS SNEAKY MOTHER FUCKER!?!?!?!!/11/11!!?/1/!?!?11/1//!11
“SKY! I looked up to you when I was younger, why did you do this?”
Sky laughs and says:
“Many 9-13 year olds looked up to me. It doesn’t matter now tho, soon Faze will have discovered the secret to immortality.”
I gasp a mighty gasp.
“And Snoop, why did you help me fight against Bill and Madara if you were in Illuminati?” I ask.
“Because them niggas were gonna take Faze and convert every1 to Optic!”
OK now it’s fucking battle time, everyone knos Optic is better than Faze because there’s green in its logo. Green = Shrek. Optic is love, Optic is life…
“I’ll take on Sky, Levi you take Pewds, Eren take Snoop, and Bill, take on that mother fucker Mutaswag!”
“Right!” Everyone says in unison.
Sky attacks me using his budder dick. Well I’m now permanently mentally scarred.
Snoop uses his Weed-Zooka on Eren while also doing the beam thing. Eren summons up his titan form, but it crashes through the roof and makes things 50% more inconvenient than before. What the fuck did he expect? His titan form’s 15 meters tall.
Pewds uses his brenwoshing powars on Levi and converts him to a bro. God fucking damn it, he was the only
person in the Noob squad who wasn’t a complete retard. Yes he has major fucking OCD, but he’s not retarded on a scale of 1 to Eren.
Mutahar summons Evil Patrixxx and uses his abilities to nearly kill Bill.
Just then I realise that I have the power to morph reality. I don’t know how I realise this, but I do. PLOT CONVENIENCE NO JUTSU!
“I SUMMON MEGA ULTRA CHICKEN!” All of a sudden, the room lights up as CGI lightning effects can be seen. The Winged Dragon of Ra has spawned.
The behemoth beast electrocutes Sky, and leaves him crawling on the floor Budder still cumming out of his pen15. He is now knocked out
It then disappears, and I realise that now I can’t do jack shit. I’m gonna owe them all one later oh shit.
Bill attacks Mutahar with comic sans font which says:
‘Wow much scare, very chicken, wow’
This knocks Mutahar out.
Eren uses his titan form to knock out both Pewds and Snoop. Levi gets freed from his trance and turns out to have been utterly fucking useless throughout the course of the battle which of course no one was expecting.
“Good job guys, now we just need someone to dispose of the bodies.” Just as I said that, all four of the pre-Fazeuminati members seemed to suffer from exploding head syndrome, as all of their heads exploded in unison.
It is then that we see the true boss of this level.
Akihiko Swaggy Usame.
“BUT YOU FUCKING DIED!” I shout.
“So did Bill.” He says back to me
All of a sudden x 4 Rack city starts playing.
“THIS IS MY FOOKING JAM!” Levi shouts and starts dancing.
“But Lance Corporal Levi…” Eren says clearly disgruntled.
“Fuck off shitty brat.”
“K…” Eren says crying while exiting the building. Great, only two left to fight the fucking final effing boss of the fookin’ Loominaty. We’re fucked.
“IT WAS YOU WHO KILLED MY BAE!” Akihiko shouts.
“HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO EXPLAIN THAT IT WASN’T ME, IT SNOOP! GOD!”
Then Shrek, Steve and Herobrine popped out.
“We can take this mother fucker, you need to focus on getting the anime characters back to their specific worlds, after that we can reset time and make you thirteen again. None of the events leading up to this will happen.” Herobrine says, spawning 666 golden apples.
“Got it.” I say running over to Levi and turning off the music. Bill goes to get Eren.
We all meet back up inside and there on the walls is ‘Illuminati 666’ all over the walls in what seems to be hyper paintlistic blood. Then everything stops. I feel a portal open in front of me.
“Go into the portal, none of this will have ever happened.” Herobrine says.
“Alright guys, I just want to say it’s been nice knowing you all, and I hope I see you all again one day. No homo K?”
“No Homo” Bill says.
“No Homo” Levi says.
“ALL OF THE HOMO!” Eren says, before we all jump in, and all of our experiences of the past twenty years disappear.
I’m back in my room I had when I was thirteen, my dad’s still alive, our family hasn’t made The Hell Secs Secs Secs Shounen AI Yaoi Contract, the midget porn’s still open on my computer, and my nan wasn’t 360 quickscoped.
I don’t remember any of it. (So how the fuck am I writing about it then? You know what, fuck the plot.)
The only things that haven’t changed are the fact that I met Shrek when I was only 9 years old. Bonsai is still my first name and basically other shit like that.
I walk over to my laptop, only to find this on my desktop.
Levi is Love, Levi is Life...