When I was nine years old, the things I loved most in life were Shrek and of course, Legos. So when Minecraft
was released, it was like a wet dream come true. Well for me any way, my parents were probably shitting themselves each time a different version of the game was released, as I would always ask them to buy it. EVEN if I DIDN’T have the CONSOLE. They were still recovering from the financial loss experienced for therapy following the events which happened to me in the autumn of 11 when the green man caem thru mai window. He reaped me.
But everything changed in the Summer of 2015. I was only thirteen years old. SkyDoesMinecraft was my idol. Minecraft was getting pretty shit. But I was too much of a hipster to care. It was that fateful day when the zombie apocalypse occurred. Nobody saw it coming.
Now, twenty years later at the age of thirty three, with my parents dead, I will tell you how this dreaded event occurred. It all started when Notch sold Minecraft to Microsoft, and Microsoft being the power hungry corporate whores they are decided to uze de gaem for the evilz! “WHAT A TWIST!” as M Night Shyamalan would probably say. But it doesn’t matter because he’s dead now.
On January 18th 2015 I was watching anime on some shitty site that I will not name here. The anime was called Junjou Romantica. It Is The Best Anime EvArZzZz! (Even for a male like me). It was half way through one episode where Usame was banging Misaki when I decided “Fuck this, I’m getting bored!” and cloed mai browser. Teh browser I uz iz Torch it iz teh beast browser EVAAAAAAAARZ! My mother heard me and shouted:
“Bonsai, Buddy don’t use language like that you prick!” Yes, my name is Bonsai. Dill wit it. My mum always called me ‘Buddy’ after saying my first name. Although I never knew why. Probably a reference to some shitty software that everyone used back in nineteen-nighty whatever. Yes I am from UK. DON’T FOOKIN’ ASK M8!
My dad walked into his office. (I don’t know what any of this has to do with the events of the story, but I’ll tell you it all anyway, it develops characters that are never going to appear again in the story, EVER.) He walked into his office and opened up his Windows 98 with Internet Explorer laptop. I still had no idea why he didn’t upgrade. Well, not yet anyway.
“WHO THE FUCK DREW THIS PHALLUS?!” I heard a loud cry came from his room. Oh shit, I had been found out.
I immediately called social services, and Sebastian Michaelis answered the phone.
“Yes my lord, I shall be there straight away.”
What the fuck?
No sooner than that Sebastian used the /tp sebashtiren bonzaiboodi command and ended up right in front of me just as my dad was about to beat me, and massacred my father.
“As I’d say, a job well done. See you later M’lord.” He then tp’d back to Ciel, and left me be. Thank god that man was dead, I’d always hated him. My mum came down the stairs and screamed. She called the police, and I got sent to the young offenders institution for about two months. The guy in the cell next to me got caught selling weed, and was serving a life sentence. Which I personally think is very fair considering that shizz be bad!
I was let out, and my mum let me live at home again, which I didn’t find strange at all.
This is where the real story begins.
March 19th 2015.
I was on my computer, and I decided to see how much more shit Minecraft had become. I then saw that in September of 2014 Notch had sold Minceraft to Miscrosoft. So THAT’S why the updates had been getting worse! Everything was SO clear to me now! I then saw that a new Minecraft version had been released.
The update was released today, I searched it up online, but couldn’t find anything about it. Which I didn’t find strange at all. So I checked the change log.
+ Something that I can’t remember
+ Something that I can’t remember
+ Vqrrs Gdzj (Still not quite sure what this means. Could be something to do with Caesar Salad…)
+ Something that I can’t remember
+ Something that I can’t remember
+ Something that I can’t remember
+ Added Herobrine
Wait wut? ADDED H-H-H-H-HEROBRINE!?
This concept was unfathomable to my brain, and still is. My life flashed before my eyes. I managed to pull myself together and call it bullshit. I clicked the grey ‘play’ button at the bottom and the update was installed in 314159 Minutes. Approximately 5235 hours meaning approximately 218 days, meaning I was 13 by this peoint, MEANING I spent more than half a year wating for the update to install. So, was it worth it?
When the game finally loaded, I accidentally clicked on 'multiplayer’ I didn’t meant to, but in doing this, I made a miraculous discovery. There was a server named:
‘Irxu Wzhqwb Dlchq IJW X ZRW PHLJKW?’
Wow, these game developers must have had their fair share of Caesar salad. (Or maybe they were just really fucking high, I don’t know.)
I looked to see how many players were online. There were 2 out of 420 players.
The server icon was a bludd red heroine with his whit eyze showin’ like bright stars 4 al to c. The message on the server was:
“DaEtOn LiKeS CoK.”
So, who was this mysterious ‘Daeton’? How I wish I was never to find out.
I should mention at this point the graphics were EXTREMELY realistic. Almost HYPER realistic. Were Microsoft turning this game into an MMO? Who is Daeton? FIND OUT NEXT TIME ON DRAGON BALL Z!
No, this SRS BSNS! I can’t joke about the cause of the zombie apocalypse as a bunch of butthurt idiots would probably kill me for making a crappy joke about it.
I clicked on the server and went on it. The two other players online were ‘Shitlord_VII’ and ‘TwilightFan69’ Twilight is fucking gay, why is this idiot on here? I saw that my character model was an actual human! It seemed rather out of place in the blocky world, but I didn’t care, this game was already in the shitter anyway. I walked out, and saw Shrek just standing there…
Then it all came back to me, the events of the Autumn of 11 came flooding back to me.
‘Shrek is love, Shrek is life.’ I went down to kneel in front of Shrek.
Why would the game know about my personal experience that happened when I was only nine? This COULDN’T just be a coincidence, as I don’t remember installing any mods on my computer. I came to a valid conclusion. The game can replicate the past of the person playing! (Or Microsoft were trolling me, but that didn’t come into my head at the time.)
As I started to run away, I was teleported to a dark room, there I saw the two other players on the server. We just stood and staird at eachova 4 aboot 69.9 seconds.
TwilightFan offered me some MTN DEW and som doritios, but I kindly replied:
“no cause ur an fagit.”
It was then that I realised something. If MTN DERW was in teh gaem den hoe deid Microshizzle get copyright? This was sorcery, and it almost made me shit myself.
But then, something happened that turned my shit in to putrid diarrhoea.
‘Madara_Uchiha joined the server?’
Then, Madara apperd in front of us but then, the plot thickend!
“All part of my plan!” a booming voice was heared! But it wasn’t from Madara. What the actual fuck was going on?
A figure started to appear next to Madara.
It was then that I had a flashback. I don’t know why I did (well actually I do, but out of contrext me no spreak grood engrish u sree?) I remembered that one day my grandma was found dead in her own home with gunshot wounds all over her body. Nob0dy had any idea what weapon was used to kill her. To be honest, I can see why, I honestly wouldn't have an honest to God honest fucking clue.
As soon as I thought about that horrifying memory, Bill GAYtes said something that shook me to my core.
“Ur nan was 360 qwick scopd!” Everything was starting to come together now, the reason why Shrek assaulted me in my own home at the old age of 9, why my dad hadn’t stopped him when he had the chance, why Sebastian Michealis answered when I called social services. It was because:
Secs Secs Secs
Somehow all these events were connected with this ‘Minecrack 4.2.0’ update. What was the truth to the ‘Minecraft AI Conspiracy?’
Was Usame from Junjou Romantica connected with this?
Were JR, TWLGHT and medieval history somehow interconnected with this mess of a tragedy?
I still don’t have a fucking clue, and probably never will.
Then, the world closed.
“Well that was anticlimactic as fuck I said” “as I eye shoot ov da gaem an wenet to bead.
I had a strange dream that night, a Really strange dream. And that’s really with a capital R.
I was trolling some random guy on minecraft, and he sent me a video. I clicked on the link, and was sent to a video page. It was then that I finally got some answers.
The title of the video was:
‘DAETON LIKES COK’
Everything was finally answered in this video, this one second video that changed me in so many ways, physically, mentally, spiritually, and even, sexually. It felt like I had just had the greatest sex ever. (I kno wut havin’ smex fels lieek kuz even at dis age, I’d banged aboot twenty eight bichs.) Those wondrous words were whispered into my ear, and I woke up.
It was 7:30AM and time to get redy 4 skewl. I waked to skewl and noticed that the gates were barren, nobodee waz der. Seeing this, I went home to find my mum on her computer and asked her politely what in the actual fuck was going on.
She answered with:
‘GET THE FOOK BAK 2 SKEWL’ I ran out the door and realised that that that had all been an elaborate illusion. Did Aizen use his bankai on me? I went to school, and we had a new student. His name was Bill Cipher. He sat next to me, he wore a pirate eyepatch, and to be honest, he waz probz ghey, in fact that was confirmed in our confrontation of fate at break tiem.
“Watch the video…” He whispered to me, his warm breath, a nice difference to the cold air giving me the wierdist boner. Yup, he was DEFINITELY gay. It TOTALLY was not me who was gay, TOTALLY NOT.
When I got home, I noticed a page was opened. It was the video from my dream.
I watched it, and after it had finished playing, I noticed the room went a pale white. Static was everywhere, along with the surreally, spontaneous, orgasmic appearance of the super special awesome super sexy HyPaR rEaLiStIc BlUuD (on the dance floor, god that band gives me a boner, STILL.DEFINITELY.NOT.GAY.)
Herobrine appeared before me, I couldn’t believe it, the person I’d had wet dreams about since the age of 10. My thoughts started to get dangerously close to that of a teenage girl who had just seen Justin Bieber. Then Herobrine spoke.
“I am a figment of teenage girl who had just seen Justin Bieber. Then Herobrine spoke.
“I am a figment of your imagination, Bill Ciates drugged your tea. You must save Minecraft and mah bae Steev” I just KNEW those two had a thing, KNEW. It was then that I felt a twinge of pride at the fanfiction I had writer aboot Herobrine x Steve. It was also at that moment, I realised my true purpose, it was to save the world of some online game everyone will forget about in a few years time. But I just HAD to do it, for Herobrine, for SkyDoesMinecraft, for Steev, for PoopLooser69, for Gaylord_Steambath. For EVERYONE. Just like in dat song from Belch wer Ichigo Kurosaki gets called a ‘queen’ I felt like the brightest star for all to see.
I woke up, I was no longer in my house, I was outside a craply build green pyramid.
“Illuminati Confirmed!” I shouted out. Oh God how I wish I hadn’t.
A triangle with a top hat popped out from the behind of the murky gren pyramyid.
Absolutely nothing bad happened, it just gave me explosive diarrhoea that I’ve had to live with for the entirety of this shitty existence of mine.
That’s how scary that fucking jump scare was, five nights at freddys had absolutely no shizz on dat shizzleshit.
Were my parents in the Illuminati?
I don’t fucking know.
I was then taken to the dark room agen. A thought hit me. Did I leave the midget porn open? No, that wasn’t it. Was I somehow tp’d into Minecraft using some mystical cumpooter programme? That sounds like bullshit right? Think again! Well actually don’t becuz non ov dis maks sens.
Bill Gates and Madara appeared in front of me.
“Bill y r u suc a bae?”
“Goddamn it Maddy, lrn 2 spel!”
Did they not realise they were talking about their personal matters in front of someone?
“I’v ben chaeting own u anee wai, did u rly nought tink dat eye wud? I own de fooking Akatsuke biotch. Mangaykyu Shayryngan!” Bill dropped to the floor, his mind not being able to handle the force of the Mangekyõ Sharingan. His head exploded. I started to laugh, I was so happy.
“Ur smexy so your will stay aliev. Say hero 2 mai new bf.” Someone floated in.
It was Akihiko Swaggy Usame. I knew that mother fucker had some role in the grand scheme of things. Oh, and by the way, Bill was still having a seizure at this point, just fort I shud let u kno. K den now bak 2 plat.
“But weren’t you going out with…?!!?!?!?!??!!?!?” I exclaimed.
“I only did that so I could win my fucking Oscar.” I knew he was telling the truth, even doh anime characters don’t get Oscars so wut deh fook?
Then all of a sudden the smell of weed could be smelt in the air. I was starting to remember that song, the song that made me so hard.
Snoop Dogg appeared.
“OMFG Schnoop! Iz da weedz on da sho realz?” Madara asked. My eyes met snoops, my eyes seemed to zoom in on his face as saddening yet epic music played. About 10 seconds later, he simply explained:
‘No!’ and laughed so hard.
He the shot a lazer from his mouth and managed to krill Madara and Akihiko. I was so depressed.
When I woke up, I saw a packet of cannabis on my bed, had this just been a bad trip?
One look out of my window confirmed that it had not been my mind making up these images.
Outside I saw zombies.
Oh shit tiem for 360 buttsecks, just like they did to my poor old grandmother.
The Daeton One Conspiracy was now in place.
As I sit here writing this, it has been twenty years. I have no idea what happened to everyone else who was in the game. Nor do I really give a shit.
The zombies are all dead, but not before all having a massive gang bang with each other. I am the last human alive in this country.
The illuminati have taken over, and Shrek, oh Shrek, he’s now having a two way relationship with Steve and Herobrine.
SkyDoesMinecraft is still my idol, even though he and Pewdiepie came out as the rulers of the Illuminati, and they caused all this shit to happen. I still love them.
As I write this, I am near death dew to lack of sweg. This is the last time I will ever be alive. Evar.
I’m dying now, I feel a warmth moving towards me, it’s Shrek, I’m so, so.very.happy…”
Teh Sequel: Minecraft AI Conspiracy The Second