Chapter Un: Angst 101
You may think that this is some sort of angsty, cool sequel to the infamous ‘Hamstuk Fenfec’ (that somebody
who turned out to be some douchebag called Lelmazzaz who vandalised everyone's pastas, decided to add the Fresh Prince of Bel Air theme to, so I had to spend an extra thirty minutes of my life parodying it. I decided ‘Nyeh fuck it’ and just left it there. And yes i did 'GUT ☑ TYRANNOSAURUS REKT'.) But no, it isn’t. This doesn’t honour anything at all. It’s here for the purpose of being a completely pointless clusterfuck of a sequel to the first one.
Enjoy you lil’ shits.
It is almost two years since the events of the other story. Me and Kira haven’t heard from any of the trolls or humans from the Homestuck universe for about 6.123987 months.
Adam and James have messaged us frequently for no reason whatsoever other than to annoy the shit out of us. It isn’t working.
We still have no idea what became of Auciel, Kaylee, FINN, and his bitch ass hoe Allini.
Also, the FaZe propaganda has started to appear in my house again and I’m scared shitless. Scared shitless of the hyper-doritolistic dorito bags. Along with the Mountain Dew that I need to sacrifice back to Satan as it tastes like pure and utter fucking shit.
I don’t know who is putting these in my house. I also don’t know why I haven’t contacted the police yet. It’s probably because of the fucking triangle monster standing next to my phone.
I wake up.
It’s been two minutes since the events of ‘Hamstuk Fenfec’ I don’t know why the fuck I was asleep, or how I managed to have that dream without even entering REM sleep. Gamzee must have given me some fucking slime pies. I swear to fucking God when I...
There’s a Dorito bag next to my bed. It’s night time. My laptop has been put away. What is going on? Has it been more than two minutes and my mum found me asleep and put everything away? No. She’s probably away at a strip club somewhere. So who put my things away?
I see someone standing in the corner of my room. Tavrisol.
“You died tho.” I wasn’t that shocked in all honesty.
“No I fucking didn’t.” K.
“Why are you even here?”
“The trolls have been kidnapped. Auciel and Kaylee are OK though. As well as Gamzee, Kanaya, Karkat,
Terezi, Vriska and Eridan.” WHY WON’T SPIDER BITCH FUCKING DIE?
“Can you please kill Vriska?” She looks at me with a look of disgust.
“No. Because…” Because what?
“SHE’S MY GF GAWD YOU INSENSITIVE PRICK HOW COULD YOU SAY THAT TO ME I CAN’T FUCKING GO ON ANYMORE GAWD FUK GAWD…!!11111!!!”
“OK I get your fucking point.” TAVRISOL IS MINE THE FUCKING BITCH SPIDER HOE.
Tavrisol teleports me to where the trolls are which is some sort of vortex thing.
“So, what are they using the trolls for this time? Let me guess, some fucking stupid sex cult again?”
“No. It’s much worse. They are being forced to join… ISIS.” OMGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG! A FATE WOSE THAN DATH! LET’S SAVE THE TROLLS WHILE COMPLETELY IGNORING ALL THE OTHERS TRAPPED THERE!
“Do we have any info about where they are?”
“Iraq and Syria.” Vriska says. Well that’s really fucking helpful.
“POTASSIUM NO JUTSU!” Tavrisol says, as we are teleported to Syria. What does potassium even have to do with teleportation? I don’t even fucking get it.
“Potassium op, pls nerf.” Kira, who I didn’t even notice was here until now says. But Adem and Jmaes are nowhere to be seen. To be honest that’s probably a good thing.
We are outside some random desert base or whatever.
“It’s all about dem phat sick bass beats.” Dave Strider appears. OMG I NEED TO HAVE A THREESOME WITH HIM AND TAVRISOL NAO!
“Where did you come from mortal? Weren’t your kind captured?” Tavriol asks.
“Yes, but I escaped. Just before ISIS brainwashed us all and took away mai sick beets.” Wat.
“Fuk. We need to find a way to undo the brainwashing.”
“I’ll kill the ignorant shitlords with my chainsaw.”
“Kan, that’s not a good idea, remember what…”
“Eridan, you’re a fucking idiot, your opinions don’t count.”
“OMFG WE NEED TO GET TO MORRISONS IN WALES NOW. ISIS IS GONNA BLOW!” Sexual innuendo lel.
“K den.” We all say.
“Pottasiem naw jootsoooo.” We are now at the Morrisons in Wales.
“EVERYBODY GTFO!” Tavrisol uses her powers of not giving a shit to evacuate everyone from the store.
But ISIS still bombed it and killed everyone. Except for us. Because the plot wouldn’t move forwards otherwise.
When we opened our eyes after the bombing. We saw all of our old friends. They were all wearing the clothing
that ISIS normally wear. The women were all tied up in the back of a terrorist car. We had to do something.
“YOU L’IL SHITS GIVE ISLAM A BAD NAME.” I shout out while I am ascending into God Tier. Which I can just do because why nort?
“You will never have your friends back!” I hear a voice shout from above me.
It’s Bec Noir. Fuk.
Chapter Deux: The Epic Battle That Lasts About a Paragraph
Meanwhile, Adem and Jmaes were playing Dungeons and Dragons with one of their only friends. Sam. They
were also looking at a youtube channel titled 56scaniaboy. But it’s probably a really shitty channel which no one should even think about going to, so I don’t know why I’m bringing it up.
“Hey Jmaes, Fam looked at my Mixtape.” Sam says.
“We don’t really give a shit Sam tbh.” Jmaes says.
“Guys. I think we should thank ISIS for giving us this game and Amen.” Adam says.
“Amen.” They all say. Before being messaged by someone.
‘HEY YOu LITTLE SHITS. WE NEED HELP IN TAKING OVER WALES. GET YO ASSES OVER HERE NOW.’
‘k den. Be there in a sec.’ Sam’s magical girl powers help them warp to Wales and to Bec. Now back to the best POV.
Adem randomly warps in along with James and… SAM? Wut?
“YES BITCHES WE’RE MEMBERS OF ISIS! THEY GAVE US FREE D&D!”
“I don’t believe your priorities are set straight. James human.” Auciel says.
“I know there’s one thing that I’m not set straight in.” Jmaes says once again with a huge goddamn smirk on his face.
“That was a terrible joke and you know it.” Kaylee shouts through the fire and flames.
“CAN WE JUST FUCKING FIGHT ALREADY!? I’M TOO CANADIAN AND TOO HIPSTER FOR THIS.” We begin to have an epic battle which consists of Sam shitting everywhere, Tavrisol nearly rage quitting, Kira wondering what she did to deserve this, Bec stabbing about 10 people and them coming back to life, Dave thinking it is an appropriate time to make some shitty mixtapes, Auciel questioning her sanity, Kanaya slicing people in half with her chainsaw, Vriska wanting to have some sexy times with Tavrisol, Eridan trying to convince Sollux to come back all the while watching beastiality porn featuring various aquatic mammals, Sollux saying he’s no longer homosexual and ‘ALLEH ECKBARR’, Jmaes and Adem trying to be even more gangsta than Bec, Terezi and most others actually trying to douse the flames, and me trying to fight while freeing everyone from the car and at the same time undoing their brainwashing. My god tier allows me to do that K?
After that long ass paragraph, the fight ends. We only managed to save the people who were tied up in the car. That consists of; the drunk woman, the girl who cooks but probably can’t make weed brownies, the bamf witch who looks like Bec but she’s not, the girl who reads too many slash fics, the fish woman, the girl who’s dead and is apparently a time lord, and the creepy pastel goth girl who sits at the back of the class. Fan-fucking tastic. Just the crew that we need…
“Guys. What are we going to do now? We haven’t actually done anything other than allow the whole fucking town to get blown up. What a fucking accomplishment.” Tavrisol says.
“Fuck this, I’m going to listen to fall out boy.” Rose, The goth says. Because she doesn’t have anything else to her character, absolutely nothing. Except that she likes to fuck Kanaya.
“NO WAIT ROZE! We need to have sloppy Edward Cullen x Bella Makeouts now.”
“OMG YES!” Kanaya and Rose went off somewhere else.
“Sol… I need u bak…”
“I feel you bro.” I say to Eridan. Even though in actual fact I just want my OTP back together.
Then a massive clusterfuck of stuff happens which I am too lazy to write down here so I’ll just skip to the next decent plot point.
“I’m fucking done with you all.” Karkat speaks for the first time in the fic. He throws a smoke bomb on the ground and attempts to kill everyone using it. Needless to say, it doesn't fucking work. It wouldn’t. Afterall, he’s a very valuable character and the fic couldn’t go on without him being good.
“Can we just go and find the ISIS base now? Like we should have done in the first place?” Auciel says.
“Yeah I think that would be the best move from here.” Pottasium is once again used to get us out of this shit hole and instead place us right outside the ISIS base.
What lies ahead is unknown. But there’s one thing I know we’re going to see.
The sexual abuse of many male characters.
Chapter Trois: Fifty Shades of CronKri
We enter the moist cavern.
Yes because it turns out ISIS base is actually a cave. What a plot turn. Because plot twist is too mainstream.
The guards come up to us.
“Do you have anything we should know about?” How the fuck are they speaking English? Shouldn’t they be speaking aralam or whatever it was called?
“Yes I do.” I hand them my EriSol mixtape.
They play it, and their heads explode from the homoerotic montage. Don’t ask me how the fuck I managed to acquire such majestically sexy noises. I just did. One of them jizzed as they died though. Eridan was disturbed that I had gotten a hold of one of his sex tapes and remixed it. But he still managed to get an erection.
“SUCCESS!” I shout. Everyone just looks at me like I’m a complete retard. To be honest, they’re probably correct in saying that.
We walk into the Reformed Illuminati Base™ and try to find who is behind this, rather than looking for all of the people who were captured.
It’s been about ten minutes and we haven’t been able to find jack shit.
A door opens in front of us for no other reason than because I’m writing this.
We enter the room and we see someone discussing with someone else.
“MAKE SURE YOU GIVE DEM ENOUGH DICKS TO SUCK.” Wut?
“Yes, Calliborn.” Fuck.
We all jump out from nowhere and proceed to run up to Calliborn. But we see that the person talking to him is Bec.
“GET DEM MALES INTO DA SEX ROOM. DA FEMAILS WILL BE USED IN DA PRODUCSHUN OF FIFTY SHADES OF GREY 2!” Calliborn says. Is Calliope dead? I don’t see her anywhere, therefore she must be. Was Calliborn involved in the making of that piece of shit? That would make sense.
Bec attempts to kill us all despite the fact that he was told not to do that. But then again he’s even more of a genocidal maniac than Eridan so…
“I fuckin’ give up. I’m joinin’ ISIS you fuckers.” Eridan says suddenly.
“U prik.” Tavrisol says.
“Alright then.” Everyone else says back to him.
“Wow, really, no one evven cares?”
“Yeah, we don’t really give two shits.” I say. Hoping that my OTP will get back together and do kinky things. Like bondage, and emotional abuse… Wait, isn’t that Fifty Shades of Grey?
“Wait, Calliborn, what are your true motives behind releasing Fifty Shades of Grey?” I don’t realise that he doesn’t know I figured that out, until he speaks.
“WAS IT REALLY THAT FUCKING OBVIOUS? WELL, ONE OF THE MAIN REASONS IS SO THAT WHITE KIDS WILL BE AROUSED BY REALLY SHITTY PORN. IT’S ALSO SO WE CAN GET RID OF HUMAN RIGHTS ALL TOGETHER.” Well shit.
“Guys, seriously. You’re all a bunch of fucktards.” Terezi says.
Suddenly, Adem, Jmaes and Sam come out from nowhere and aid Bec in capturing us.
“TAKE DA BITCHES TO HOLLYWOOD. DEM SEXI BEESTS WILL STAY HEER.” I’m actually really fucking confused as to why Calliborn is attracted to males, but still wants ISIS to do homophobic things. But before I can ask him, I black out. Must have been all of that curry from the curry mile.
When I awaken, all of the girls who were with me have disappeared.
The lights turn on.
I can see into the two cells adjacent to mine. (Woah look at that, big words.)
Kaylee and Tavrisol are next to me. Isn’t Tavrisol a hermaphrodite though?
“Myla, get us the fuck out of here.” Kaylee whispers to me.
“I fucking would do if I could.” I say back to her.
“STFU guys.” I hear Tavrisol say from her cell. Why would she be saying it from anywhere else though?
“OK bitches, we need a lesbian scene for the next movie, even though it wasn’t in the book, but then again, neither were grey things with horns, so the bitches at Universal will have to fucking deal with it.” I hear a voice say. It sounds suspiciously like a certain sea dweller’s brother…
The door to my cell is opened, and outside I see… CRONUS!?!?!/1 WHAT A TWIST.
“GO FUCK KANKRI U BIC.” I say to him.
“I already have done. About 69 times today.” Fuk.
“Well… GO FUCK ERIDAN THEN.” I shout back to him.
“I did. When we had some alone time in his dream bubble. Wink, smile” OK, I’m genuinely scared now. Considering that Eridan and he are related.
“Well… Errm… Fuck. I can’t think of anymore comebacks.”
“Good.” We’re all released from our cells. “Now go to the set.”
We all walk to the set, and are forced to film a massive lesbian orgy. But none of us comply, so we are put back into the cells. Why would they want child porn in their film anyway? I’m sure that’s illegal.
“Guys we need to think of a way out.” Vriska, we knew that ages ago, why are you such a bitch?
Food arrives, and it’s bread and water. The butter on the bread had clearly not been used in weeks and had hardened in the fridge, making it look and taste like the equivalent of dried cum. And no you paedophiles, I don’t know what that tastes like.
We hear a loud crash.
“What the shit was that?” I ask everyone.
“We don’t fucking know.” Tavrisol answers me.
“Right, if you would all stop using such rude and triggering language, I might be able to get you all out.” Was that Kankri? It’s fucking Kankri isn’t it?
All of our doors are opened at the same time.
“Kankri? Why are you here?” Kanaya says.
“Well, I am sick, and tired of being sexually abused by a certain Ampora.” All of a sudden, Cronus bursts through the door.
“Babe, woah. Slow down. I thought what we had was special.”
“It WAS, until you decided to get involved with them. Maybe if you change your ways, I will come back to you.” Kankri starts to read some random incantation.
“Pottasiomus, no jutsuous, teleportus.” We are once again outside the ISIS base.
Chapter Quatre: The Threesome Orgy (LEMONZ WARNUNG)
We once again enter the moist cavern known as ISIS HQ.
We’re going to get everyone back. Because if we don’t then we’re fucked.
We walk in, as Calliborn still hasn’t replaced his guards. Yeah, you might need to up your security m7. Just saying.
Once we get back to where we were before, we observe what is going on.
“OH YEAH, KARKAT, THERE!” It was Calliborn. Was Karkat…? OH GOD FUCK NO.
Karkat was ramming his pen15 into Calliborn. Don’t trolls have bulges though? OK then. He was ramming his big troll bulge into Calliborn’s ass.
Kankri was nearly fucking sick. So was everyone else, except for Vriska who was really turned on by it.
Then, Gamzee walked in, and stuck his big trell cok into Calliborn’s mouth.
“You like to be dominated don’t you motherfucker?” This was like a really bad gay porno tape, that straight men would watch with their friends for a joke, because, you know, THEY’RE STRAIGHT.
Vriska came just as everyone in the room did.
“SHIT, WHAT AM I GOING TO DO NOW?” She says to us.
“I’ll help you with that.” We hear a voice. It’s Dave.
Dave uses his time powers to clean the stain off of Vriska’s pants.
“Vriska, I’m sorry, but I’m breaking up with you.” OMG! YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSS!!!!11
“BUT WHY!? WE WERE THE BITCH BAES!” Vriska seems distraught. Which I’m happy about because she’s a complete bitch.
“Because you got hard from that horrid discourse.” Vriska just sighs and follows us as we enter the room. (O hai Mark.)
“What the fuck is this?” Kira says. “This is the worst fucking ship I have ever seen. I want my fucking GamTav back for Christ’s sake.”
“Gamzee and Karkat, why the heck were you doing that anyway?”
They look at me straight in the eyes and say;
“Because he is hate, and he is death.” Troll romance I swear to god.
Well, everyone is brainwashed except for Dave. Because he just isn’t.
“GAH!” Kankri shouts, as he collapses down onto the floor.
“Kankri? What’s wrong?” Tavrisol says.
“C-Cronus GAHHHHHHHH!!!!” He shouts, as Cronus rises up from the floor. This will never be explained.
“You can’t escape me you little shit. Get hard for me.” I don’t know whether I’m aroused or really fucking disturbed.
“CRONUUUUUUSSSSUUUUUU! YOU MAKE MY TENTABULGE GO DOKI DOKI. BUT I STILL REALLY HATE YOU.” Yup, I'm disturbed.
“Let’s invent cheese together Kankri.” Cronus says as he jerks Kankri’s dick. There’s no context to this, but most fanfictions are like that, so yeah…
Karkat walks over to them both, and slaps Cronus. They look each other in the eyes and Karkat says with a straight face;
“My brother, my fuck toy.” Cronus then kills Karkat.
“KARBRO, MY MOTHERFUCKER!” Gamzee shouts as he rushes over to Karkat’s dead body.
“So that’s the colour of that motherfucker’s blood…” He says.
“YOU FUCKING MOTHERFUCKER. YOU KILLED MY MOTHERFUKING BROTHA!”
“Actually he was my…” Kankri is interrupted as Gamzee slams a club down on his head.
“MOTHERFUCK YOU.” Gamzee then has an emotional breakdown, as Eridan walks in.
“Calliborn, mah digger, the fuckin’ pizza’s arrived and I need the glubbin’ money to pay for it and holy fuckin’ shit what the fuck happened here?”
“Trans species orgy.” I answer.
“I’ll be goin’ then. I need to get Sol to touch my butt again.” He walks out and leaves us all alone.
After everyone went fucking crazy over nothing and Tavrisol brought Karkat back to life, we all got going and left Cronus and Kankri to it. ;) Caliborn should have come after us, but he was still feeling pleasure from his threesome.
We go to the cells and I try to use my Anti Brainwashing powers on them. It works, but Sollux is nowhere to be seen. I wonder where he could be?
We hear loud sounds coming from one of the rooms in the back.
I think we may have found them. Or it may have been Dirk and Jake having sloppy makeouts. But it wasn’t so fuck that.
Chapter Cinq: ISIS Returns
“SOL YOU FUCKIN’ CODSUCKER!” We hear Eridan shout from the room.
“ED shut the fuck up. I’m not gay. Even though I willingly fucked you the first time.” Sollux says, his lisp muffled by his headdress.
We walk into the room.
“I BE UNDOING THIS SHIT.” I say as I undo Sollux’s brainwashing.
“OMFG ED. I’m sooooo sorry!” He says, as he kisses Eridan on the lips.
“YEEEEEEEEEEES!” I shout.
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” Kira shouts.
“Can we just get the fuck out?” Tavrisol says.
“K.” I say, but all of a sudden, a lunar rover appears in front of us. Sweet, a new car has been added to the game.
We board the rover, but a female voice starts to say;
“The lunar rover can quickly navigate around the moonbase…” MOONBASE MOTHERSHITTING ALPHA. WHI?!
I reply to it.
“Shut up bich, I’m trying to stop people’s rights being oppressed, so go suck a dik.” Rekt.
“aeiou.” Kira says. And it’s pronounced: ‘eye you’ you fucking mentally disabled fags. Oooh look at that character development, I’m becoming more like Karkat. Such a talented writer 999/1000 “Too many intimate homosexual relationships.” ~ IGN
It comes to my attention that I can’t drive for shit, so I get Tavrisol to drive instead.
We exit the base, and go back to our homes. But not before going all Michael Bay and shit and blowing the fucker up.
We thought this was over. But we were wrong.
5 Nights Later…
‘It’s time to yiff some dicks.’ Cronus puts on chat to Kankri. The two are back together now because ISIS is kill.
BUT WHAT IF ISIS IS NOT KILL!?!?!?!?1/!??!/!/! *Insert X Files theme here…
I am on a Skype chat with everyone else once again. Currently, it’s about as substantial as the ‘hey guys’ incident on Trollpasta Wiki Chat. Meaning not very fucking riveting whatsoever.
TotallyNotdeathDespair has joined chat.
I wonder who this is.
TNDD: WHERE IS MYL@?!?!
TAVRIS: Up ur ass.
Shrekt 420 fuck it m8
AP: What do you want?
TNDD: For you pile of throbbing cunts to come.
TNDD: to the new ISIS l@ir. Fuck.
TA: no offen2e, but your typiing quiirk ii2 2hiit.
CA: noww sol, don’t be so fuckin’ rude.
CT: D--> somehow i managed to come back to life even though i was killed after using my STRONG dick on Karkat. I apologise for such… l00d discourse.
Kankri: Guys, ser19usly. Th1s c9nversat19n that we are hav1ng c9uld 6e tr1gger1ng t9 s9me pe9ple, c9uld we please t9ne 1t d9wn a l1ttle? Thank y9u.
Mituna: L00K 47 MY 5H1NY MLG H4ML37, Y0U KN0W Y0U W4N7 17. W47CH 45 1 R3K Y0U 4LL 0N C0D 3V3N 7H0UGH 1 H4V3 7H3 M3N74L17Y 0F 4 F0UR Y34R 0LD.
Meenah: This whole fucking conversation is a train wreck.
Aranea: Just fuck me already m33nah.
Meenah: K, maybe later.
AT: uHHHH, WHY AREN’T THERE ANY STAIGHT RELATIONSHIPS AT ALL?
TC: BeCaUsE bRoThEr, It’S hOmOeRoTiC pOrN.
TAVRIS: GUYS. CAN WE JUST GET BACK ON TRACK?
TNDD: Yes. I will meet you @ll at the new ISIS b@se tomorrow at 4:20AM, that gives you ten hours. It will be… Where the Morrisons w@s.
Everyone wakes up at 4AM. Mituna was already up though, he had been playing COD all night and would not stop messaging us about how he was reking everyone. Kankri and Cronus had been up all night trying to re-enact one of the scenes from Fifty Shades of Grey. Kankri topped this time.
Tavrisol messaged us and asked us if we were ready. We all replied yes and we were once again in Wales.
“Dave, maybe I do want you to be my senpai.” John says to Dave.
“Fuck yes. Now let me fuck you in the butt.” Dave replies, smirking.
“Guys, I don’t think this is appropriate.” Kankri says.
“ANY TIME IS APPROPRIATE FOR YAOI.” I shout back at him.
We all get going after John and Dave had their… Fun. ;)
“Sollux, why is Eridan your matesprit and not meh?” Aradia asks Sollux.
“Because he’s sexy and you’re not even alive.” OK, Sollux would never say that about Eridan, but it’s my fic so dill wit eet.
“POLLINATE ME SOLLUX.”
“I’m going to do that to ED tonight.”
“Equius, can I have some of that dank kush?” Nepeta asks Equius.
“Yes, of course. I am presuming you mean Catnip of course.”
“Yes. :3” Nepeta blazes the catnip. Does any of this even really matter at this point? All of these jokes are getting really shitty and repetitive.
Nyeh, fuck it!
“Eqibro, I have a problem, can you help a motherfucker out?” Gamzee asks Equius.
“HIGHB100D! OF COURSE!” Equius clearly takes things the wrong way, as he gets his dick out.
“Wooooooaaaaah motherfucker, I meant could you help fix Tavbro’s wheelchair?”
“Oh. OK then… Highb100d.” He seems disappointed, as he once again puts his DNA rifle back into his pants.
Tavros’ wheelchair is fixed, and we move on once again.
We enter the Reconstructed Morrisons Supermarket™ and look for the person who messaged us. We have no idea who it could be. It totally isn’t Allini though. Shez ded.
We see a throne made out of bottles of Mountain Dew. Wouldn’t that be really uncomfortable though?
We walk to the front of the throne, and see… ALLINI?! Oh fuck. Shit’s about to go down.
Chapter Six: The End of This Travvesty
Tavros, after managing to escape using his rocket car thing, was forced to look at the building in front of him. It was desolated. A better adjective would be ‘fucked’ but there’s already too much profane language in this piece of shit anyway. FUCK! I did it again. FUUUUUCK.
Just fuck it. Fuck this, fuck that, fuck EVERYTHING.
Dave who somehow managed to react extremely quickly, manages to make the Morrisons not go boom boom resulting in a massive mofocking paradox. Which will never be bought up or have any consequences whatsoever.
Everybody is back. Including me. Only difference? My god tier is different, so now I can no longer undo brainwashing. I now have infinite knowledge of the universe though. I think that may be better. In fact it is better! Fuck that power! SAY HELLO TO THE MAGE OF SPACE BITCHES! RIP Witch of Heart. :’( (Emojis lol so rendem!)
Sadly however, Allini (Dickber) and her (Why am I even bothering to use the correct pronouns? Wasn’t Justin Bieber a girl anyway? No, that’s too insulting. He doesn’t deserve to be classified as any gender identity.) strip club friends managed to survive. But they were no longer at the Morrisons. In fact, where was Eridan? FUCK. THIS ACTION DID HAVE CONSEQUENCES DIDN’T IT?! AM CRYIN’.
No, Eridan is not dead, just like God isn’t, he was never alive. (REKKKKKKT. SO ORIGIN LOL).
He is with Allini and the rest of her Midnight Crew who kidnapped him and forced him to crossdress. Well, he wasn’t really ‘forced’ he does it every March, so it’s not really too shocking. Sollux is wondering what the fuck is going on.
“Guys, where’s ED?” Sollux asks.
“SOLLUX DEVOUR MY HOT FISH ASS!” Feferi says all of a sudden.
“K.” Sollux replies. NO I DO NOT SHIP THIS. I SHIP THIS EVEN LESS THAN TAVRISOL AND VRISKA. NO.
Well, I guess that’s one heterosexual romance scene out of the way. Aradia asks if she can join them, and they have a threesome. Straight romance is soooooooo boring WTF?
While they are having sex, Mituna keeps shouting:
“Just dooo iiiit, goo fooor iiiiiit!” That is certainly not a reference to an anime featuring a bear of indefinite ethnicity…
*cough… THANKS MICHAEL!
OK, thank fuck that’s over. BUT WAIT.
“Omg FF, you’re a better shag than ED.” NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOPPPPPEEEEE.AVIIIII
“What about me Sollux? Smirk, nudge, nudge, wink.” Aradia says.
“Fuk yo self.” Well that’s my other NOTP out of the way. This was bad. I had to get the Yaoi twins back together. I only have… One shot, one opportunity. Will I take it? Or will I let slip?
We find them at the strip club. The one in the corner of the town that the police can’t be bothered to survey simply because fuck women. They were probably from Gamer Gate, and to them I say GG.
No but seriously, fuck those idiots.
We enter the strip club.
“Excuse me, but you are under eighteen, get out.” The guard at the door says.
“Fuk u.” I say as I tear a hole in the fabric of reality. This God Tier is fucking awesome! Myler opay plz neurf!
“I’ll go get Eridan.” Auciel says. It seems like forever since Auciel actually talked.
Auciel comes back with Eridan, who is currently wearing his March outfit.
“OK, FF I’m breaking up wit u nao. Bye.” Thank fuk.
“SOLLUX SAN!” OK, we’ll leave these two to it and find the hoes.
We find them in the back room doing coke. Well, that was unexpected.
We once again have to stop everyone from having a ‘Hyper Realistic’ orgy with each other. We plant a bomb in their office while they are tripping balls from the cocaine.
We are totally not in Michael Bay Movie right now.
Zero fucks are given as the building explodes and body parts and heavy objects cause many casualties to occur. It’s probably not even going to be on the news. There will probably be something about Kim Kardashian breaking the internet on it instead. Because that’s sooooo much more important than a broadcast about how there’s a fucking alien race that actually fucking exists and helped saved the world from the Illuminati and ISIS.
“432 Fuck u. I’m Karkalicious you fucking plebs." Karkat shouts as he flies away.
“No. You’re Inspector Anal Glands.” Terezi says to Karkat.
“K dat turned me on, let’s fuk now.”
“K.” OK, this is a straight ship I can actually bear.
The jizz was everywhere.
Chapter Sept: Epilogue
Two Weeks later…
Me and Tavrisol are in an intimate relationship. The news actually did a broadcast on the trolls. It turns out that people actually think that the news is talkin’ shit. Sucks to be them.
The trolls now all live in our world in their human forms. Yaaaay, I now actually have friends! Kira and me blew up the theatres that were screening Fifty Shades of Grey.
Caliborn survived the ISIS explosion, but died shortly after being exposed to vore.
And last but not least, Allini published a book titled ‘Mein Kampf’ which totally has nothing to do with a famous historical dictator. Although, it turns out it was a poorly written smut story about Kim Jong Un, Obama, and David Cameron. It was even worse than Fifty Shades of Grey. Hell, half of it was just a crappy autobiography.
I guess this is the end.
The end of a legend that will go down in history. Just like Bob.exe.
“BUT BOB.EXE IS OVERRATRTUIEFWHDJ8RTYNECW” STOP. YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OPINIONS ON THE INTERNET.
I suppose this be the end of mai sweggy story.
Except for the fact that Eridan tried to commit genocide on all landwellers after reading Allini's book in it's entirety, it was unsuccessful, so he reverted back to fucking Sollux instead.
Good bye mai sweggy fronds.