Chapter Uno: The Beginning of the Rektoning
“SWIGGITY SWOOTY, I’M COMING FOR JAKE’S BOOTY.” My BFFL typed to me on Tumblr.
In East United Kingdom, born and raised On PornHub is where I spent most of my days Chillin' out, maxin', relaxin' all cool And all shootin' some cool kids outside of the school
School's back, yo this is bad Drinkin' orange juice out of a mouldy glass Is this what the people of Hell Air are livin' like Hmmm, this is ghetto.
But wait, I hear they're prissy, bourgeois and all that Is this a load of Bullshit made up by FaZe? I think so, I've lived here for five years. I hope they're prepared for the princess of Hell Air
Gamzee came out the PC about seven or eight And he yelled "What the motherfuck? Where is Tavros Nitram?" Looked at my PC, I was finally there To sit on my throne as the princess of Drug Land.
That's basically a summary of how all this began.
“TAKE ME TO CHURCH I NEED JESUS.” I say out loud, sure that Satan had infected my home with hidden FaZe propaganda.
“WhAt tHe aCtUaL MoThErFuCk?” He says. My eyes are wide open.
I can’t believe what I am seeing.
My phone beeps again.
“OMFG Sollux is actually in my room WTF? He and Eridan came out of my computer. They were doing ‘naughty things’ help me I don’t shqip it. I’m traumatised.”
“Comin’ over now. I’m the Erisol expert. GamGam randomly appeared in my swaggy room.” I leave my house to go to Kira’s. Gamzee follows me, saying something about ‘needing Kar’s sweet buttsmex’ or something. IDK WTF he’s talking about. What a load of shit.
I arrive at Kira’s and knock on the door. She answers within 2.88888999 seconds
“Please help me Myla…” In the background I can hear sounds of skin slapping. I had to see this. It was my
OTP. I have to see the smex so I can write clopfic. I shipped this ship so hard. I shqiped it.
I opened the door and saw every shipper’s wet dream. Troll on Troll porn. ERISOL porn.
“DO YOU SEE THE SHIT I HAVE TO PUT UP WITH DAILY? FUCK, SOL GET OFF ERIDAN AND GET SOMETHING DONE FOR ONCE.” Karkat Vagina walks through the door.
“Karbro, I need some of dat top kek buttsex motherfucker.” I know the question you’re asking at this point is:
‘BURNINGTORRENT HOLY SHIT WHY IS THERE BUTTSEX IN EVERY.SINGLE.FUCKING TROLLPASTA YOU WRITE!?’
Allow me to answer that.
Because I can.
Gamzee gets on top of Kargina and and grinds into his buttox.
“GAMZEE, WE’VE DISCUSSED THIS.” Karkat says, clearly aroused even though what Gamzee did happened about two seconds ago.
“WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?!” Kira shouts, coming up the stairs. I back out of the room.
“Do not fucking go in there. The small shreds of innocence I had left have been stripped from my soul. YOU’RE TOO INNOCENT. LEAVE NOW.” I try to convince her to 1 v 1 someone on Imagine Party Babyz, but she won’t listen.
“Let me into that fucking room now.” I decide to let her go in. God bless her soon to be scarred brain.
A few seconds later she walks out smile plastered on her face.
“I’m so fucking done.” She says with a smile.
“Same here.” I say back to her. All of a sudden we hear a massive boom in the sky.
“Oh no Sanic Boom we gon’ die!” I shout. What the fuck was this.
All of a sudden I’m back in my house, the meteor is heading for mai sweggy hoem. I gon' die today.
Chapter Dos: The Meteor Hits Mai Sweggy Hoem
As the meteor is headed for my house, skype goes off on my phone.
mindRogue would like to add you as a contact.
Who da feck was that. What the fuck was this? Why was almost the exact plot of Homestuck happening to me? Who the fuck was this? Why the fuck was this happening to me? Who the fuck was this?
I accept the request and start talking to whoever this person is. (My username is asylumPhantom)
AP: Who the fuck are you?
MR: i Am Auciel.
AP: I don’t recall ever meeting you anywhere. Can you please tell me who you are or I’ll get Gamzee to no-scope your home.
MR: i Am a trOll. I wOuld eXplAin whAt iS hAppening, but i believe yOu Already knOw.
AP: Are you that shitty fan troll I made a few months back?
MR: yeS i am.
AP: Fuck. What the fuck?
MR: fOr SOme StrAnge reASOn, i waS entered intO the timeline Or sOme Shit. IDK cOntinuity is a bitch. KirA’S fAn trOll iS here tOO, why yOu ASk? IDK.
AP: Why the fuck is this even happening?
MR: becAuSe Of rAndOm Shit thAt i cAn't be bOthered tO eXplAin right nOw. yOu And kirA Are chOsen AlOng with twO Others yOu knOw.
AP: First off who are they? And why the fuck would we be chosen? We’re probably the two most fucking stupid choices for this sort of quest.
MR: well AppArently, SOme OmnipOtent being thinkS yOu Are wOrthy. me And KAylee dOn't even belOng in thiS timeline fOr fuckS SAke. AS fOr whO the OtherS Are, yOu ShOuld find thAt Out SOOn. (AKA IDK WhO TF they Are).
AP: Fuk u. (Best response I have ever formulated in my life.)
MR: thAt iS rAther 100d AS equiuS wOuld SAy.
AP: I need to get rid of this fucking meteor and Gamzee isn’t helping much, tbh I think he’s fucking useless at the moment. Need to go.
[asylumPhantom has left]
MR: fuck, i wAS gOing tO tell yOu thAt yOu hAve tO uSe thE heArt Of thE witch. yOu knOw whAt, fuck thiS.
[mindRogue has left]
I didn’t see that, even if I did I would have no idea what Auci was talking about. Use the force of the love encrusted dildo or something. I don’t know.
I hear Skype go off again.
Kira was messaging me.
“Myla, what in the actual fuck is going on? KT is messaging me. MY FUCKING FANTROLL is messaging me. DID SOMEONE DRUG ALL OF OUR SHIT?!?!/1”
I know that FaZe has something to do with this. I keep finding empty MTN DERW bottles all over my house, along with the occasional box of Whiska’s cat food. Which isn’t too unusual considering the fact I own two fucking cats. I also keep finding Dorito bags all over my house. I have a strong distaste for Mountain Dew. So IDK why there would be bottles of it littered all over my fucking room when I wake up every single morning. As for the Dorito bags, I don’t have a feasible explanation either, except for that it must be FaZe. There’s no doubt about it.
Gawd damn them and their fucking stupid initiation exams/rituals.
“I think FaZe is behind this, seriously.”
“Myla, this is fucking SRS BSNS. FaZe is fucking stupid.”
“So is the Illuminati, but you never fucking listen to me when I tell you that.”
“Cunt u.” She messages me. That is the worst possible insult someone could have fucking used. Fucking.Incredible.
I decide to leave it there and focus on the problem that I should have focused on from the very beginning.
THE FUCKING METEOR HEADED STRAIGHT FOR MY HOUSE.
I don’t know what the actual fuck I’m doing.
“Oi, motherfucker. Karbro and me should be able to help.” Gamzee says out of the blue.
“Just watch motherfucker. MOON PRISIM POWER!!!!!” SAILOR FUCKING MOON. SEROUSLY?!
All of a sudden, Gamzee and Karkat turned into their God Tier’s and started to furiously make out with each other. I kind of shqiped it, so it was Ok.
The force of the smexy vibes seemed to weaken the force of the meteor as it hit mai sweggy hoem.
I still have absolutely no fucking clue what the fuck any of this shit is, but I’m perfectly OK. SOMEHOW.
Chapter Tres: The Troll FaZe Illuminati
Gamzee and Karkat were gone. Everything was gone. My minds virginity was gone. I had just lost everything.
I felt as though I had just read Ihsoy, but with even more hyper realistic b100d and added cliché’s. That’s how fucking bad I felt.
Skype went off again.
tealShimmy would like to add you as a contact.
ARE YOU FUCKING JOKING ME!? KIRA’S FUCKING FANTROLL?!
AP: OK seriously, are you with FaZe?
TS: lOok i Need to tell you something. jUst hear me out.
AP: OK fine.
TS: fAzE are coming for us all, we must defeat their leader and their memebers. sOme of who have invaded our faction.
AP: ARE FAZE IN THE ILLUMINATI?
TS: yEs they are.
AP: We’re fucked then. Unless you have a plan.
TS: i Do actually. wE raid fAzEuminnati hq.
AP: You fucking retard.
[asylumPhantom has left]
[tealShimmy has left]
How the fuck did those retards spawn from mine and Kira’s minds? Skype goes off again. WHAT A F00KING TWIST.
trollBane would like to add you as a contact.
deathDespair would like to add you as a contact.
Wow, I’m fucking popular today aren’t I? The first one sounds like some sort of Werewolf motherfucker. The second one sounds like some emo who had only just been given permission to get a Skype account.
I accept and add they add me to a group.
TB: hey guys.
DD: th@t shit @gain? This is making my EMO LEV@LS go off the ch@rt.
AP: Guys, seriously. What the shit is going on.
TB: we are members of FaZe, and we’re capturing the other trolls and using them for sexy times.
AP: Well, thanks for telling me that. Now I can get Sollux to track your IP.
DD: We c@ptured him, Erid@n, G@mzee and K@rk@t. We’re going to convert them to F@Ze @nd st@rt @ sex cult. It’s only you idiots who @re getting in the way. @ll the other trolls @re under our control. Except for everyone’s re@lly shitty f@n trolls.
AP: Well fuck.
I go to add Kira to the chat.
IamKira has joined the chat
IAK: What is all this shit?
AP: Read what those fuckers put.
IAK: What are you talking about?
HORY SHEET. UNEXPECTED TIMEY WIMEY PLOT TWIST. WHAT KIND OF ALCHEMY IS THIS?
All of a sudden, surprise butsecks starts to play, and spy appears in front of me with Shrek.
“SURPRISE. BUTSECKS.” The song continues to play as they do each other on the floor. They then disappear and I have no recollection of it happening.
Shrek is not top kek. He isn’t even real. What the fuck is this? We’re they part of the super sexy pen island sex cult?
FIND OUT NEXT TIME ON POKEMON BALL X!
That is the most original joke I could have written there, and it was totally not stolen from another pasta I have written. IT’S TOTALLY ORIGINAL, DO NOT STEAL!
Chapter Cuatro: The Final Mixtape
Plz buy mai sweggy mixtaeps, They have Erisol porn on them. KK thx bye lel top kek banter.
I am stuck in an ocean of hyper realistic b100d and 53M3N. How the fuck did this even get here? This was never here before.
I see that Hell666 Ave has been blown to pieces. Along with any trace of it ever being there. I can understand the blood, but how in the actual fuck did the white stuff get here? Was everyone in the neighbourhood having a massive orgy or something? Was there some secret BDSM club that we were never told about? Then again, even if there was, I wouldn’t know anything, I’m 13 for Dog’s sake.
I decide not to question it, and swim to a small island I see.
When I get onto the island, I meet an familiar faec. Tavrisoleriterezepetamzeequiuradikarnayaferi Vantamporerketaryamakaemegicapeixahhakeijonitramyrope. THAT MOTHERFUCKER.
The greatest fantroll anyone has ever created is standing right in front of me.
“OMG TAVRISOL VANTAMPORE! I’M YOU ARE BIGGEST FAN. PRODUCE MY CHILDREN! I shout.”
“We gon’ go krill FaZe nao.”
“POTTASIUM NO JUTSU!”
All of a sudden, me, Kira, JAMES, ADAM and Tavrisol were outside FaZe HQ.
“I hEaR MoIsTuRe.” Adam awkwardly says.
“What the fuck? Why are you two so fucking retared?”
“Do I even know these people? Are they the people who decided that EA was a good idea. Along with paid DLC?” Kira asks me.
All of a sudden, we are teleported to the dungeon.
“LET’S GRIND.” James says.
“*Braces his anus” Adam says
“I MEANT GRIND XP U STOOPID TWAAT.”
Adam looks disappointed.
“K…” He says.
“1 V 1 ME ON COOKING MAMA U SON OF A BIOTCH! LE FUNNY BANNANA.” A voice comes out of nowhere.
“FINN? IS THAT YOU?” I shout.
All of a sudden, a fantroll that was clearly a rip off of Eridan Ampora appears out of nowhere. As he fades in to view, he says one thing.
“hey guys.” That cheeky motherfucker.
“Get the fuck out. Go watch Gordon Ramsay masturbate.” Kira says. Worst thing ever.
“Already have done. About THREE times today!” HOLY SHEIT.
“Why the fuck were you masturbating to Master Chef?” Totally not getting any of these ideas from Mutaswag’s stream BTW.
Finn moves closer to us, and whispers into our ears. Somehow managing to simultaneously do it at the same tiem to all of us lel.
“What the fuck.” We all say simultaneously.
Then, another troll comes into the room.
“I BE ALLINI BIOTCH.” Were we experiencing the effects of an over exposure to the Trollpasta Wiki? No. This had to be real. If it wasn’t there would be more semen buckets.
“This whole story is more fucked up than Nintendo’s content ID system.” Get rekt fgt skrubs.
“Agreed.” Tavribae says.
One question remains on my mind.
Where are all the trolls? Did they die from being exposed to rather 100d triggering shipping charts? Probably, but nope.
But then, as soon as I question that, I am seemingly transported the to the ACTUAL dungeon.
I saw every troll… XP grinding… Was this turning into SAO? If so then we’re all fucked. Thar shell beh tentakul prenz tonite. But then, the XP Grinding turned into a DIFFERENT type of grinding… Then…
Stuff started to happen, which mentally scarred me. It’s too triggering. I can’t… OH GOD THE FETISH CLUB OMFG! INCEST OMFDFGFD . I CAN’T. I JUST can’t.
Then I woke up.
“Well done. We’re all in the sex dungeon now. Thanks a lot.” Well, my memory is lost.
“I like Darude boyporn.”
“Adam, this is not helping.” Tavrisol says.
“Adam, is your Runescape username FrostyDick69?”
“Myla, stop. Those were dark times. I have left all that behind me.”
“I NEED TO KNOW.”
“IT IS, OK?”
I managed to get my parent’s permission to access Runescape, and used my phone to activate the mystical plot convenience computer powers.
I then somehow mastered the art of metal bending and got us all out.
“PEDOPHILE RAEP POEWERS!” Jmaes syas. Which somehow frees everyone from their trances. It turns out that it’s not just trolls here. THE HUMANS ARE HERE TOO.
“Oh Jake, I luv u.” Dirk says.
“I love Osama Bin Laden.” Jake says.
“OMFG LOOK AT THAT, THEY TOTALLY LOVE EACH OTHER.” I say.
Then, we all ascended to God tier and killed everyone in FaZe, but Finn didn’t die because he is actually a unicorn from the magical universe of I don’t give a fuck. Swag.
Gamzee and Karkat started to kiss, as did All the other trolls, then all the humans did as well. This resulted in a massive transspecies orgy.
“Ewww don’t do the human centipede, ewwwwwwwwwww fuck no.” Tavrisol says.
We were the only sane people left. Except for James and Adam, because they joined as well.
Then we were all back at home.
Tavrisol died, Gamzee and Adam and Karkat had a threesome and now are a thruple, James attempted to code a game, but failed to make anything that would be considered any better than Sonic Boom. Me and Kira played GMod together. And everyone else continued to have a huge chitty chitty bang bang with each other.
And then everyone wrote spinoffs of this fanfic, and then this fanfic got its own fanfiction’s written about it. And
everything revolved around Tumblr feminists and Five nights and Freddy’s porn for the rest of eternity.
Everyone was shipped with Sonic Plushie and Tavrisol.
The end of a masterpiece. Then Auciel killed all off all the people and trolls, and the universe exploded and turned into a pedophile's van. Also Assasin's creed Unity was turned into a book and I got the book for christmas instead of the game.
Chapter Cinco: Da Realz Wurld
After we defeated Finn and his hoe Allini (I think her name was that) we were all transported back to our
timelines and homes.
The gangbang still happened. But everything after that has yet to be decided.
When we were transported back, Gamzee somehow got stoned and began to furiously masturbate for no apparent reason.
“OOOOH KARBRO YOU MOTHERFUCKER!” He kept saying.
Karkat just looked horrified. But aroused at the exact same time.
Let’s just say that large amounts of rainbow jizz were spewed on the way home.
Everything FaZe related was gone from my home. I noticed on my Skype that all the trolls added me. And all the humans too.
It was in this manner that I accidentally stumbled across a conversation called:
‘Secret Sext Makeout Between Eridan and Sollux’ you bet I fucking clicked on that.
[asylumPhantom has joined chat]
CA: Sol, you sexy boi cum fuk me.
TA: Ye2 ED you 2exy fiish bea2t. <3333333
TA: OH 2HIIT! HOW DIID YOU FIIND THI2?
AP: It was on my Skype when I logged on.
[cuttlefishCuller has joined chat]
[terminallyCapricious has joined chat]
TC: wHaT bE hApPeNiNg My SeXy MoThErFuCkErS?
CA: you can just fuck off Gam.
CC: W)(at about me; –Eridan and Sollux GLUB GLUB?!
TA: FF fuck off. II got over you a long time ago.
AP: GUYS. THE QUESTION I AM ASKING ATM IS DOES ‘ED’ STAND FOR ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION?
[iamKira has joined chat]
IAK: Myla, is this some sort of fucking joke?
CA: can you all just fuck off? I’m tryin’ to havve a chat wwith my hot nbz yaoiz partner. fuck off you fuckin’ lil’ shits.
TC: iF yOu CaReD, cOuLdN’t YoU jUsT bAn Us ThEn MoThErFuCkEr?
TA: Go driink bleach you iignorant 2hiitbag2.
[twinArmageddons has removed iamKira from the chat]
[twinArmageddons has removed asylumPhantom from the chat]
[twinArmageddons has removed cuttlefishCuller from the chat]
[twinArmageddons has removed terminallyCapricious from the chat]
TA: Now give me the fii2hdiick on webcam.
I was so upset that I was banned from that conversation.
But just after that, I somehow managed to jump out of my window while walking backwards and attempting to do some mad doughees. My vision fades as I hit the ground. Fuk. Now I'm never going to be able to read fanfictions ever again.
I wake up in hospital. I see three people sitting around me. Kira and… HUMAN AUCIEL AND HUMAN KAYLEE/11/?!
“Myla, what the fuck was that?” Auciel says to me.
“Why the fuck are you in your human forms?” I say, trying to move. I can’t, I’ve broken my leg. Possibly my arm aswell. Considering the fact that it’s in a cast.
“We had to obviously. We don’t want religious people to see our fucking horns and be like ‘OMFG DEMIN! IT MUST DIE!’ and start chucking salt water and shit on us now do we?” Auciel says.
“I guess not. Why are you here?”
“We’re here because Auciel needs to use her healing abilities on you. The Illuminati have returned. This time they’re making a sex cult. Again.” Holy shit. I can’t believe the Illuminati have returned. Everyone in the Illuminati was killed, right? Did the LAPD cause this? Were the LAPD behind this all along? We’re they planning to make sure everyone got their sexual organs rekt so that rape rates would decrease? Is that just me or does that sound really counterproductive?
“AUCIEL. TEND TO MY WOUNDS SO I CAN JOIN YOU ON THIS EPIC QUEST.” She does just that. Will this
action have consequences?
“Let’s go find all the cheeky skrubs.”
We went to find Adam and James. Also Gamzee and Tavros didn’t seem to have been captured by the Illuminati. So we took them with us as well. But then… My least favourite troll came.
HUMAN VRISKA. She can go die in a fire the huge fucking bitch. I hope she burns in hell.
Chapter Seis: TEH TRU ENDIN'
As we were travelling along to the Illumibitch HQ. Vriska decided that it would be funny to draw a dick on the
back of Tavros’ wheelchair. I laughed a lot, as did almost everyone else, but Gamzee was depressed for pretty much the rest of the journey. He was very protective over Tavros. Add that to the fact that Vriska was the reason why Tav couldn’t walk, and you have a fucking disaster.
"WHO'S BEEN DRAWING DICKS!?" Anyway...
When we arrived at the Illuminati HQ, which we found completely randomly, and totally were not randomly /t/eleported to, the door was protected by a passcode.
“Well shit.” Auciel says.
“I think I can crack this motherfucker.” Gamzee says.
He types something into the passcode enterer thing that I can’t remember the name of right now, and I’m too lazy to search up.
The door opens.
“You see motherfuckers? This is why I believe in MiRaClEs.”
“Gamzee! That was great! What was the password?” Tavros asks Gamzee.
“Oh… I think you’re a bit too innocent to be asking that, brother.” Tavros blushes slightly and we enter the Illuminati HQ.
“SHIT. GUISE! YOU HAVE TO GET ME OUT OF HERE!” Was that Karkles?
Yes it was. I can clearly see that as he runs up to us.
“THE PASSWORD FOR THE CELLS IS…” He is pushed to the ground by Nepeta.
“Now we can be together furrever Karkat!” Fucking cat puns. Wow.
“THIS IS SEXUAL ASSAULT, STOP!” She doesn’t, as she pushes him over and starts to make his dick penetrate her.
“This is not motherfucking cool brotha’s.” Gamzee says as he runs up to Nepeta and she is knocked out of whatever state she was in.
“OMG! I don’t know what happened! I’m so sorry!” What the hell were they giving everyone? Was it weed? Was it crystal meth? Was it the date rape drug? I don’t know.
“AS I WAS SAYING… THE PASSWORD IS…” He is glomped onto the ground again. This time by Equius.
“STRONG DICK!” He shouts. Ready to make Karkles sparkle.
“Get the fuck. Off of. My bby Gurl.” Gamzee says before making sure Equius got a good ‘pounding’ and NO not that sort you dirty minded dick clowns.
“THE FUCKING PASSWORD TO THE CELLS IS ‘DICK_FUCKERS’” That is the greatest password I have ever heard.
We all ran down the corridor, leaving Nepeta to cry over the dead body of her moirail. Sucks to be her. The
guy was a massive prick anyway. Still less of one than this bitch though. (LOL VRISKA U DUM SHEETS)
We went to the cells and entered ‘Dick_Fuckers’ and managed to get everyone out of the cells.
They all tried to once again have a big gang bang with each other. Terezi was the only one who seemed to be unaffected.
But then, Gamzee grabs Karkat and puts him on one of
the cell beds. And starts to fap. Karkat asks him to stop, but he doesn’t listen. Tavros looks really upset.
“BURN THE EVIDENCE!” Someone shouts from afar, as gasoline is poured all over the cells. Everyone is awakened from their trances, and they all run to the exit.
Terezi instructs Gamzee and Karkat to leave, but they decline. We need Gamzee for the password, so Adam drags him out, and Karkat follows after them.
John and Dave make it out, but Dave needs to confess something to John.
“I’m gay for you John.” He says.
“Fuk this.” John says as he flies away.
“JOHN! YOU MAKE MY KOKORO GO DOKI, DOKI!” Dave is crying by this point.
“Dave, I am not a homosexual. Even though I am.” John says as he flies as far away as possible from the Illuminati Head Quarters.
Meanwhile, the rest of us are locked in.
“GAMZEE! WHAT WAS THE FUCKING PASSWORD!?” Kaylee shouts.
“IT WAS ORGASM OF FROSTY DICK 420!” Then, everything stopped.
Me and Kira are back in our houses. The events aforementioned did happen. But we are all now back in our specific worlds.
IAK: What the hell actually just happened?
AP: I don’t know, but it was better than dank kush, that’s for sure.
IAK: I guess you’re right. RP time?
[Every Troll joined chat]
[Every Human joined chat]
CA: GIVVE ME THAT SEXY ROLE PLAYIN’ DICK.
EB: Dave, fuk me rite in the pussy.
TG: That was a hoax.
EB: That’s the joke. My pussy is a hoax. So you can’t fuk meeeeeeee.
AP: GODDAMN’ IT JUST BECOME CANON ALREADY!
The real end.
OMG I made a sequel: Click here u shits (It is now completed.)